A Businessman, Fireman, Policeman - Where Are the Women?

Anonymous, Men: Friends , United Kingdom

I was in a careers talk with a friend. There was a male speaker talking about different skills and talents which are useful in certain jobs. He used a wide variety of examples of different professions and lots of personal stories; it was an interesting and informative talk.

When we left the hall, I asked my friend how he found it. ‘It was good,’ he said, and was quiet for a moment. Then he said: ‘But did you notice that whenever he used an example – even if it was a hypothetical one – it was always about a man? A businessman, a fireman, an actor, a policeman. I mean, what does that say to the women in the audience about their career prospects? The speaker might not even have meant to, but he was basically reinforcing that male is the default and the women in the audience are not a priority.’

This is a friend who I’ve been talking to about sexism for a while and had never seemed so interested or concerned, so it was amazing to see how much he’d taken on board and that he noticed this when it had completely passed me by. He then went on to share this with our other friends and told them emphatically how wrong he found it, so that they were made aware of it too and looked out for it in other talks.

Our fight too

Anonymous, Men: Public Space, United Kingdom

Troubled by society’s treatment of women, David Veshkini started the WeCanBeBetter Campaign. WCBB is an Ottawa-based solidarity movement that encourages and empowers men and boys to become agents of change in the prevention of violence against women. David emphasizes the need for a movement like WeCanBeBetter: ‘For years, women have been fighting to prevent, end and better respond to violence towards women, and now men need to join in on these issues.’

It is a sad reality in our world today that one out of every three women globally has been physically, sexually assaulted or otherwise abused in her lifetime. That means that out of the roughly 175,000 girls born daily worldwide, almost 60,000 will experience violence during their lives. We need to take these numbers seriously. ‘Statistics are humans with the tears wiped off’: behind every number stand women whose lives have been scarred by violence. With that in mind, David believes that the high levels of violence by men against women should be viewed as men’s greatest failure.

WCBB was founded to change that: David believes in the power of engaging men on violence prevention through local grassroots initiatives. ‘I want to challenge other men to use their voices and actions collectively to stand up to gender-based violence and its contributing factors, and to share with women the responsibility of ending it. Silence will be our greatest regret.’

David is currently the case manager at Ottawa Victim Services, a community-based organization that provides emotional and practical support to victims of crime and tragic circumstances. Feel free to engage with David on twitter @DVeshkini on issues of gender-based violence, prevention, bystander intervention and gender equality, or engage with the conversation by tweeting at the WeCanBeBetter handle @WCBB__

Equality at home

Anonymous, Men: Family, United Kingdom

I was fortunate enough to marry a man who happens to like ironing, doing it whilst he watches sport on the telly - and he's much faster (and better) at it than I am. He's also a brilliant cook. We gave up going out for Sunday lunch a long time ago, because I've never come across a restaurant that comes close to cooking a roast as good as his.

He's also good at woodwork. And this has led onto trying out jewellery making, which he's turning out to be pretty good at. He brews beer, makes jam and bakes bread. And he's got a great eye for a good colour scheme when it comes to decorating.

This is not about him making a token gesture and doing what some men might see as 'female roles' to tick a box every now and then. In the decades we've been together, we've simply taken on the work that each of us happens to enjoy and we share the doing of things that neither of us enjoys. I'm as capable as he is of handling a power drill or sawing down a tree, and I tend to manage our finances and any building work we have done.

Does that make me butch and him effeminate?

No, it makes us a good team.

Island Rescue

Anonymous, Men: Friends , United Kingdom

My friend and his family had been going to this beautiful Greek island for sometime. Over the years, they had made friends with the local British woman who had organised the properties they rented over the years.

One year, on the morning they were due fly home, she turned up on the door step to say goodbye, but she was different. She did not look at them and appeared tired, downcast and tearful. The simple question 'What's up?' revealed that for sometime her local boyfriend had been beating her up, using work and financial pressures as an excuse. The night before she had been throttled and thrown against a wall. She had left while he was sleeping and spoken to a local friend, but she wanted to get out and go home. Within an hour my friend had talked through the options. He agreed to be a witness, documented and photographed her injuries, assisted with a safe house, created a confidential alternate mobile contact and helped sort flights home in three days time. He used the mobile to ensure she was safe when they got home, monitored that she got to Britain safely and spoke to her parents. Eight years later she was married to a new partner.

Violence against women is never acceptable. We can all help.

Mr Equality

Anonymous, Men: Family, United Kingdom

My husband is kind, patient, helpful and has a great sense of humour. He has always honoured me and our two daughters.  He has been a caring husband for more than 40 years and loving father for more than 30. He shows great respect to other women, treating them with courtesy and going out of his way to help. He has taken steps in his professional work life to encourage women into engineering jobs. He is a terrific mentor to younger women and men.

My Brother-In-Law: Losing to Gain a Whole Lot More

Aston, Men: Family, United Kingdom

Growing up in a world where the vast majority of people in positions of influence are men communicates many damaging messages to young people. It says to young women that positions of power are not for them. It says to young men that, to be a man, this is the level of achievement they must pursue at all costs.  Consequently, becoming more of a man is deemed to mean gaining more power and ‘winning’ in life. Anything or anyone which gets in the way or slows you down must be ignored or gotten rid of. After all, to be delayed in the pursuit of success is an unmanly sign of weakness.

Many see the solution to this inequality as encouraging the ‘win at all costs’ mentality amongst women as well. That way we might perhaps see greater equality in positions of influence and women may avoid taking a disproportionate amount of the burden in a family. However, we must remember that it is men who have got this wrong, not women. A race to the top of society would mean a gender relationship race to the bottom. The solution instead lies in men shedding the insecurity that says that ‘I must always be winning’. Instead, men should seek to support and encourage others – particularly the women in their life – even if that comes at the expense of their own ‘success’.

A great man who inspires me to do this is my brother-in-law. When he married my sister and said ‘in sickness and in health’, he was already aware of the consequences of those words. Yet he chose for the rest of his life to put my sister first in the good times and the bad, at personal cost to himself and potentially at a cost to other ambitions he harboured. He does do incredible things in his career, transforming lives and being a role model for young men, but he is not striving to ‘succeed’ at all costs. He instead seeks to be a supportive and loving husband, dad, brother and friend – and sometimes that involves giving things up.

Clearly, if I was talking about a woman entering into a marriage this would not be remarkable or noteworthy (and, indeed, my sister seeks to put him first too) but I am realising that amongst husbands this is remarkable. And it allows my sister to also sacrifice and lovingly give to her family and friends, knowing that by doing so she is not being exploited by her husband, nor is she bearing those burdens alone.

And because of my brilliant sister and brother-in-law, my niece will grow up knowing gender equality and mutual sacrifice in the most intimate relationships she knows. Losing is definitely underrated. 

Young men can be trailblazers for gender equality

Anonymous, Men: Friends , United Kingdom

I have a friend who has a son - let's call him David. David is in his late teens, a Christian - and he is the most extraordinary champion of women's rights. He has hundreds of friends on social media, and often challenges the sexist behaviour of his peers, without fear, with calm and gracious logic, without losing his rag at the lads who push back at him.

He doesn't put women on a pedestal. He treats them as equals, plain and simple. It's not surprising that he has loads of female friends. He doesn't take advantage of his popularity with them.

Nor is he a geek or a wimp - David is eloquent, erudite and an elegant dresser to boot. He doesn't seem to struggle with self-image in an era when so many men do seem to.

Did I mention that David has Asberger's Syndrome? Perhaps that's a contributing factor to why he is so unfazed by any criticism he gets from his male peers and so untouched by lad culture - he carves his own way, as he has had to in part because of the condition he lives with. What an inspiration he is to me, and to many others.

A Friend in Oxford

Hannah Mitchell, Unashamed Campaign, United Kingdom

I'm involved in coordinating Just Love and Restored's Unashamed Campaign, which is a movement of Christian students confronting violence and abuse against women at university. Someone who's inspired and encouraged me to keep seeking gender justice is my friend Mike Kent. He was one of the first men I met who really cared about ending violence against women. He is great at listening to the women around him and has made a real effort to find out more about the injustices women face. When we were in our third year, Mike invited me and another female friend to speak at our church's Men's Group about our experiences as women in church and in the public sphere and to share what we thought the men around us could do to support us.

My primary school teacher

Joshua Smedley, Unashamed Campaign, United Kingdom

My earliest memory of being inspired to seek gender justice was of a teacher of mine in primary school explaining that the boys in the class would, on average, earn more than the girls when they grow up. She was one of my favourite teachers and it clearly something that she felt strongly about. I guess that passion kind of rubbed off on me. An eight year old can understand that pay inequality is wrong and my teacher sharing that with us made me want to do something about it.

My son

Anonymous, Men: Family, United Kingdom

A long story .... but in essence when my ex-husband was arrested and removed from the family home, after being sprayed with CS gas at the front door, my gorgeous son took my face in his shaking hands while a policeman held me up, and told me: 'This is not your fault, Mom. Look at me - it is not your fault.' He also gave evidence in court and, according to the judge and police, he had clearly not been influenced by my version of events and was not guilty of embellishing the statement with damming claims. He told what HE heard truthfully. They told me that he was a credit to me. He still is. He is a beautiful, loving, fair man.

All the police that came to my house that night were male and they were all extremely kind. They, too, inspired me go through with the following court case.